Any time of the year can bring on feelings of various types of stress. In fact, most of us live today with some level of chronic stress due to the fast paced and highly materialistic society we have constructed. There are too many pressures to do more constantly, while silent or reflective time for oneself is pretty much non-existent.
There is however a time of the year, which appears to bring on even more stress, and various negative feeling states like depression and anxiety, and that is the winter holidays, often called Christmas by many.
The “holiday blues” have been a common subject talked and known about in our society for quite some time now. There are some reasons why, even as soon as the fall and winter days set in, people get more depressed, like due to lack of sunlight. This is commonly referred to as SAD – seasonal affective disorder. However, when it comes to having the holiday blues, more factors are at play.
Underlying Causes for the Holiday Blues
According to Dr. Ronald Podell, who authored the book Contagious Emotions: Staying Well When Someone You Love Is Depressed, there are two different kinds of holiday blues:
The first affects those who are alone, having no nearby relatives or who are estranged from their families. They may be new to a community or their friends may lead extremely busy lives or are visiting relatives for the holiday. Internally, they feel isolated and abandoned. The holiday blues hit them hard, as they feel singled out and terribly alone. They can wonder if they are unlikeable or emotionally disturbed.
The second form, comes from forced reunions with family during the holidays. Such ambivalent reunions often re-live the same dysfunctional family relationships that have been operating for decades. In a moment of reunion, many families can experience old pain, dysfunctional automatic behavior, and traumatic recollections of horrible times past.
In that sense this form of the holiday blues is not about being alone but being trapped in old trauma.
During childhood, the emotions of traumatic experiences are coded by the brain into neuro-chemical messages and stored in memory nodes. A person then re-experiences the same emotions that came from the childhood trauma later in life, through similar situations, and the blues set in. The feelings are those of a hurt child and were likely experienced with the same family one now finds themselves visiting as an adult.
And, in fact, the very same conversations, behaviors and conflicts can erupt with the speed and destructive intensity that they carried years ago. Often, the entire family is affected and people begin reacting automatically, which generates waves of negative contagious emotions that upsets everyone present.
Other Factors Which Contribute to the Holiday Blues
Family Obligations:
From every angle, the holiday season carries messages that revolve around “family time”. Cultural myths and expectations tell us we have to go home, we have to forgive even if we were once hurt, and this puts a lot of expectations on people. Similarly, the same culture tells us that we should feel joyous and merry. This can send both a very mixed and painful message to someone who is depressed, anxious and ambivalent at best about reliving negative memories.
Dr. Podell explains that these myriad of reminders can be a trigger for unresolved issues such as unsettled grief, disappointment, a sense of isolation and loneliness, and memories of past losses (such as divorce, break up, psychological abuse, death of a family member or relative.)
Unrealistic Expectations:
Oftentimes, the holiday blues are a result of unrealistically high expectations of the “perfect holiday,” mixed with memories of holidays past, loved ones no longer present, and the “not so rosy” reality of the current situation.
We are told to buy all the “right” gifts, and make the “perfect meal” and “play nice” – which keeps us living oftentimes an illusion, if not a lie. This puts unrealistic and unnecessary pressure on all involved, leading to various negative feelings within.
Treatment Options for the Holiday Blues
According to Dr. Podell, there are many alternative treatments for the holiday blues. Anxiety and depression are usually the chief symptoms that are encountered along with insomnia and restlessness. One can try psychotherapy, which helps clarify family dynamics and can ease the distress a great deal.
Other non-medication biological treatments include deep breathing exercises, yoga, meditation, aerobic exercise at least three times a week, and eliminating excessive alcohol intake.
Many doctors recommend a pharmaceutical approach too, like anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs. However, all chemical substances come with side-effects and take us further out of our body’s natural balanced state. Many of these drugs, like anti-depressants have been linked to many highly negative side effects, with the biggest one being increased risk of suicide, and a long term dependency on the drug.
Thus staying drug free, and seeking natural therapy is the ideal way to deal with the holiday blues, or depression and anxiety at any time of the year.
Dr. Podell also recommends the following to help overcome the holiday blues:
- Learning to understand the dynamics of troubling relationships that the holidays bring back into our lives.
- Using the principles he delineates in Contagious Emotions to “defuse” from people who create intensely negative feelings in us or who create feelings of anger, depression and anxiety in our interactions with them.
- Taking responsibility for your part of the interaction and refusing to exacerbate a process that repeatedly leads to despair and anger; be proactive rather than reactive!
- Writing in a journal daily and listing daily reminders of blessings.
- Associating with happy people—surrounding yourself with positive emotions. Findings show that being around upbeat people can boost one’s spirits through mood infection.
- Volunteering and giving back to the community brings generative feelings of spiritual joy.
- Participating in activities and hobbies that bring pleasure and relaxation.
Conclusion
Although our society has carved out for all of us a “cookie cutter” pattern to fit into when it comes to the holiday season, we do not need to fall prey or become victims to a system that is not working for many. Mindfulness and an expansion of our conscious awareness, can allow us to see through the facade.
If you feel the “holiday blues” setting in, consider Dr. Podell’s explanations and identify which type of Holiday blues you are experiencing. This can bring more clarity and understanding to what you are feeling and why, leaving you more empowered to take positive action.
In the end, the perfect holiday season is what you choose to make it. Whether you have gifts or decorations, or simply choose to treat yourself to a sunny vacation holiday at this time – there is no right or wrong way to celebrate. It is a man-made holiday, and thus we can make of it what we choose.
Thus, seek out fun, relaxing and enjoyable experiences at this time and always, making the holiday season work for you, instead of the other way around!
*Photographs 1 & 3 credit Double Image Photography
*Photograph 2 credit ramsey everydaypants
*Photographs 4 & 5 credit lululemon athletica
About the author:Evita Ochel, B.Sc., B.Ed., CHN - is a certified holistic nutritionist, biologist, educator, writer, researcher and speaker in the areas of health, science and holistic wellness. She is a nutritional science expert and her teaching and writing focus on natural, wholesome, plant-based and organic nutrition to achieve optimal health and longevity. Learn more about Evita Ochel or Follow Evita Ochel on Twitter.
14 Comments to “How to Overcome the Holiday Blues of Depression and Anxiety”
Hi Evita,
Your summary says it best: “In the end, the perfect holiday season is what you choose to make it. Whether you have gifts or decorations, or simply choose to treat yourself to a sunny vacation holiday at this time – there is no right or wrong way to celebrate. It is a man-made holiday, and thus we can make of it what we choose.
Thus, seek out fun, relaxing and enjoyable experiences at this time and always, making the holiday season work for you, instead of the other way around!”…
I don’t celebrate holidays the traditional way..instead of trading presents, I create experiences; and share gratitude and love within my little family and our circle of friends..I choose to celebrate life daily, not with a man made label..but by opening my heart to the wonder around me..and sharing that generously with others:)
Hi Joy,
Thank you Joy, that is a summary which I have learned to put into practice in my own life. When I stepped out of the confined box of so many aspects of our modern society, my life began to embrace a quality of freedom, peace, joy and happiness, that I never could have imagined.
Today I value love and happiness, but which are not forced in any way or pushed on through obligations or expectations, which are all too often rooted in unconscious habits.
And yes, I resonate and share your choice of creating experiences – it is something I choose in my own life over gifts, trees or forced reunions, any day.
Depression indeed comes from expectation and not meeting up to that which we have established for ourselves or to those expectations that we believe in that have been given to us by others. Disappointment then, not meeting up to some arbitrary point, then creates a gap that people fall into. They go to a dark and heavy place, into a chasm, because they are not where they or someone else wants them to be. Therefore, finding the light within is the solution. So yes, go to an externally sunny place to feel the light within. Be around people who shine bright light by being authentic to what they are feeling. Or better yet, redefine or forgive the expectations all together.
We often put too much pressure on our selves. The odd thing is, we often exceed which was once expected by us, when we throw care to the wind and allow our intentions and experiences to unfold without the mind getting in the way.
Hi Bern,
Thank you for sharing those thoughts and views, as expectations always seem to be a major limiting factor in so many people’s happiness. In the case of the holidays, society has its expectations, our family members, and friends have theirs, and naturally we have our own…. bringing these all together and satisfying all is literally impossible, and yet we try, and then we fall into the various destructive patterns we do, when we realize that at the end of the day, we are not being true to ourselves.
And absolutely! We put way too much pressure on ourselves, most often in all the areas which really don’t count for much at the end of the day…. and indeed, things work out best, when we go with the flow of life, rather than push and pull and try to force things into being a certain way.
Evita, I never really considered this before, “During childhood, the emotions of traumatic experiences are coded by the brain… A person then re-experiences the same emotions that came from the childhood trauma later in life, through similar situations, and the blues set in.”
This year marks the first time that I’ve chosen not to spend the holidays with either my family or a boyfriend’s family. I’ve chosen, instead, to spend it with friends who are like family because I feel better around them. I know I want to feel good, and I know that it’s important for me to honor what feels good.
Dear Megan,
Yes, it is pretty sobering to think of all the things that we pick up in our childhood in terms of unpleasant experiences, which can stay with us for life and cause various problems.
Your plan to spend the holidays with those to whose energy you feel most drawn to right now is a wonderful way to go. If we continue in blind habits to carry out traditions based on obligations and expectations, we are hurting ourselves. And since this may make us resentful, we may be hurting others too.
Very true and very wonderful post! As my friend says, hurt comes from expectations. People are too idealistic and such leads to disappointments. Very nice summary.
Hi Kristina
This is a most powerful statement – hurt comes from expectations. If only we as humanity can grasp that one little fact, our level of happiness and satisfaction would be completely different. Thank you so much for stopping by to share these thoughts :)
I have all of my family in El Salvador so during holiday times, I wish I was closer to them, just for the energy and the connection. But the way you feel can be altered directly by you’re environment so I like the idea of volunteering my time, in fact I’m going to look that up and do that for Christmas, maybe a soup kitchen.
Great post Evita!
Hi Alejandro
That can definitely be tough, however, only for those of us who do better with our families. In our world today families come in so many different shapes and sizes. And our family is not always the healthiest thing for us to be around. This realization can both be healing and freeing. From your explanation though, it sounds like you definitely have great bonds with your family that add to the fullness of your being and happiness, not take away from it.
Volunteering at a soup kitchen is a great idea, and in fact, one that I may also do myself this Christmas Day.
All the best Alejandro for a beautiful holiday season, no matter where or how you spend it – know that you are never alone :)
Hi Evita,
I am one that likes the holidays. December tends to be a big party month and when its all over your looking at January and February which tends to be the most depressing and coldest snowiest months of the year. During the holidays we visit people who we enjoy and of course stay away from those we tend to dislike. We try to keep stress down by not getting into the hype of shopping for gifts. A few meaningful gifts is all you need. The big holiday dinners can be cut back as a lot of the food is unhealthy anyways. My teenage son only wanted mac and cheese for Christmas, hows that for health.
Here’s how I get away from any type of holiday blues and for that matter after holidays also. Find some hobbies and activities that you can do by yourself and also with others. Always plan for activities for upcoming weeks and months so that you always have something to look forward to do. I do kickboxing 5-8 times a week and that’s with others. I paint ceramics with my wife and look for unique pieces to put out in the landscape in the spring. Gardening and horticulture is a great hobby of mine. I look through all the new gardening catalogs to maybe purchase some new plants or seeds for the upcoming spring. Nature has a lot to offer in the way of hikes, activities and adventures. I get the kids involved in a family project where it takes planning during the winter months and constructing in the spring. ALWAYS keep busy and plan for weekly and monthly activities that are fun and challenging.
Hi Dave,
That is truly wonderful to hear that you are consciously creating the experience you will find most enjoyable for the holidays.
And Dave thank you so much for sharing your wonderful tips! My favorite is definitely planning special activities to have to, to look forward to. You are so right, the holiday blues are one thing, but the cold days with little sun and daylight in January and February can be even more serious for some.
Your days and weeks seem like they are full of fantastic things! May you continue to enjoy and make the most of what life can offer :)
Hi Evita!
I just read this article because I have been surfing around the net about mindfulness and meditation. I was particularly struck about how indeed some people do experience the holiday blues. Sometimes the family tends to put pressure on a person (lets say an adult that has just started off with their career) that he must spend christmas with them. Hence, being forced to spend what could be a weekend getaway with friends with his family. Being so, I wanted to ask if by being mindful about this situation, and knowing that it is the pressure that upsets you, how can you still enjoy without having the whole family being upset? One can certainly not be able to fully enjoy a christmas holiday with friends being guilty or thinking bout family you left back home? What are your thoughts? Thanks.
Hi Salinya
That is a fantastic question and scenario to consider!
The answer to this is both simple and yet complex. The first and simple part to this dilemma is knowing that we can never ever control how others will feel. There are countless examples in all of our lives where we do what we think is everything we can to make a situation right for others and they are still not happy. Trying to have others not upset is a losing battle. Guilt is a toxic emotion. Our family members say they love us, and when pushed, even claim they love us unconditionally, however this rarely shows in their actions. Bottom line trying to please others, always, always hurts us. It is not about being selfish, but about being consciously self-centered, where you realize that unless you take care of your own needs properly, you can never be fully present or your highest version for anyone else and then everyone suffers in one way or another.
Let’s say you do show up for the sake of your family, and all weekend end up suffering thinking about how much you really don’t want to be there, etc… In our society we have been trained to make others happy, even at the price of forgoing our own happiness. Many people still think this is the noble path, but look at us. We are miserable and family situations are most people’s most toxic relationships. We need to mature emotionally as a human race. Many people are already awakening and taking the steps towards this, others resist and think this is rude, inconsiderate or whatever the case may be. But truly when we follow our heart, we become better beings on all levels and we must stop suppressing what our inner being is asking for or feeling is the best for us. We have done this for way too long and again, one look at our society shows the effects of this.
So practicing mindfulness, or being consciously aware of a situation, one’s thoughts, words and actions is key. Taking this one step further and seeing how others react and why, makes us realize where they are coming from too – often it is based on reactive patterns, habits, fear and lack of conscious awareness. It is nothing personal, it is simply unconscious or conditioned mind patterns.
Second of all our society puts a huge burden on blood lines and this word called family. I cannot speak for everyone, but I will tell you what I practice in my life and how I view situations like this. The whole world is my family, I am one with all life. Favoring a select few people is simply not my approach to life any longer. So many of us are stuck in vicious cycles repeating the same mistakes, habits, etc of our parents and they of their parents because we cannot see outside of the box. We are so tied to traditions and other cultural limits that we are forming nothing more than a secular life, where it is me against them, my family against the world, etc… I am not saying to abandon ones family, but the love and respect we show our family should be universal – we are finally waking up to this in our society too. There is no more us vs them. We are all one. And if for whatever reason my family chooses not to respect my decisions when they come from the heart and are for my greater good, then I have to show unconditional love to myself and not allow myself to be abused (harsh word perhaps) but many of us undergo mental and emotional abuse from our families in many ways.
So in the end, if I decide to go spend the holidays with my family, it is because I truly want to be there and my whole inner being and heart wants that experience. If I don’t and feel there is another experience that would serve me better, I do that. For if I go when I really didn’t want to go, my whole energy field will reflect this position and I am not doing anyone any favors. People are on edge, defensive, resentful and on and on, while I also suppress my inner being (=toxic inner environment).
We need to clearly, and compassionately communicate our feelings and desires fully. If the family members cannot understand our choice or support it, that is their journey. We truly must realize that. If anything a family should celebrate your happiness, not make your life harder. If it pleases a person most to spend the weekend with their friends and they communicate that openly, ideally the family members should rejoice in the other’s happiness. Naturally they don’t, as this is not the way our society has worked, everyone just keeps negating their own needs so they feel it should be the same for all (i.e. if I can’t be happy, you can’t either…etc)
Follow your heart, release toxic feelings and emotions, be true to yourself and let others have the journey they choose, until they too decide to see themselves and their world from a point of heart-centered mindfulness.
Wishing you all the best along your journey :)